Scenes from a Parking Lot

People often ask, “Why would a good God let bad things happen?” or some variation of why God allows suffering. For many, this question is a wall. The idea of accepting the gift of God’s love through the sacrifice of His son Jesus seems impossible. As I look around at the world I live in, I am overwhelmed with sadness because I know the hurt I lived in for so long is the norm. For years, I walked through life feeling as though I would never encounter true joy again. On the other side of redemption, or seeing how God can heal hurt beyond words, I want to help others imagine the ways God can heal and free us from the pain of life.

Eleven years, eleven months, and eleven days ago, I sat in my car in an Arby’s parking lot. Somehow I knew my life would never be the same. A few hours later, my fears were confirmed when I found out my little brother would not be home for Christmas. A victim of Type 1 diabetes, his life was cut short at eighteen years old, just four days before Christmas. I was so angry. I thought I would never feel true joy again.

When my son Ryder was born, I saw a miracle firsthand. I was still mad, especially knowing my brother would have been the best uncle ever. Along the way, I continued to encounter people who lived out their faith in authentic and real ways, but I held God at arm’s length, not ready to stop living mad. I was certain my hurt and pain and sadness were bigger than any God could ever be and I was fine living my life my way by my rules. Who needed God and church anyway?

In 2011, I was helping administer the ACT test at a local church. On my breaks, I was reading The Shack, the story of a man, who like myself, was very angry at God because of a tremendous loss in his life. Somehow the words of his journey back to God penetrated the wall I had built around my soul. While my world was crashing down around me, I felt alive for the first time in forever.

The real me had disappeared in the years since Zac died. As I began to reunite with the pieces of myself, I experienced an incredible surge in my faith. I began to pray all the time, noticing God all around me, feeling peace even in great uncertainty.

Along the journey to healing, I fell in love with a man who saw the real me. When Josh proposed, his only request was we marry in the church his parents had married in over 30 years prior. I was happy to agree hoping we would find a church home there. The same church where I had reconnected with God in 2011.

I found ways to serve with the church that fit my passions perfectly. Within months I remembered the call to ministry I had felt in high school. We have walked through so many unbelievable moments since I committed my life to working in ministry. God has been there at every turn. As I began to notice God’s hand in everything, I began to see how He had been walking through the hard parts of my past as well. From incredible pastors who helped heal broken places to amazing spiritual mentors to walking through hard with unbelievable women, God kept doing what only God can. Opening my eyes wide, mending my soul, and giving my heart wings.

Jesus redeems even the most broken places. What I know now but did not realize 11 years, 11 months, and 11 days ago is the young woman crying her eyes out in a parking lot was facing a church. What is now our home church. Behind my tears stood a space waiting to welcome me in, offering sanctuary from the sadness, and a gift of love and freedom I would not understand for a long time. While I had chosen to follow Jesus at a much younger age, I had walked away from God in every way. God found a way to be right there when I felt He was a million miles away.

I don’t know why we have to endure hard, heartbreaking hurts. What I know is I have walked through what seemed impossible without choosing to accept Jesus as my Savior and today, I walk through hard with God and I have no doubt which is more bearable. And exciting. And joyful. And real. All along the way I still loved and served people, but I did it from a place of doing the right thing. Now, my love for people is energized by the love of a Father, Son, and Holy Spirit who never gave up on me, even when I deserved it.

Eleven years, eleven months, and eleven days ago, what I needed most was just across the parking lot, both literally and figuratively. I am assured of God’s love for everyone, because I can see myself sitting there hopeless and afraid. I wish I could whisper to broken-hearted me, “you are not alone precious child of God. Look up.”

Maybe you are walking through hard. Impossible. Heartbreak. I offer you the same words, “You are not alone precious child of God. Look up.”  Jesus has been there with you the whole time.

If you want to grab a cup of coffee and swap stories, ask questions, or just imagine together what might be going on in the world we are living in, I would love to spend some time in your company. Email me at lookfortheglad@gmail.com.

Mark Teasdale. Evangelism for Non-Evangelist: Sharing the Gospel Authentically. Illinois: Intervarsity Press, 2016.

Teasdale, Mark. The Need for Imagination in Evangelism. Last modified January 27, 2016. Accessed November 18, 2016. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rE16NHB7dtA